To be well or not to be well?

Don't tell anyone but I am somewhat taking a "personal day" today. I could say I don't feel well (which I did say in a couple emails to professors, wondering what I missed in class today). What does it feel like to feel well anyway? Does it mean if you can keep your eyes open? Does it mean good to the extreme like you could run miles and miles because you have so much energy? Maybe it means if your not vomitting. Or, it just means that you can breathe clearly through your nose. I'm not really sure. I think the term "well" or "unwell" varies from person to person. As for me, I can keep my eyes open for the most part, though I am contemplating making more coffee. I don't really feel like running but all bodily passageways seem unblocked and "well" for the most part. I had a good fall break. I didn't get a whole lot of rest but it was nice to get out of town. I got to see some friends and make some new ones. I actually felt ready to go back to school when I got home which is weird. I've been pretty good this year. My boyfriend even told me that he was impressed with how dedicated and good I've been, going to all my classes and getting good grades. I guess it's what I've always done. Always tried anyway. So maybe I'm a slacker taking this day off. I'm also an artist that gets tired of being in such a structured lifestyle all the time. It's funny, when my life feels crazy and out of control, I feel like I need more structure. But then when I get it, I don't want it so much. C'est la vie. It's a beautiful day though, I better go enjoy it!

Pre-Break Reflection

Well, I am only a few hours away from the beginning of my fall break. Yes, I get a fall break! We've had mid-terms this week, then get a short break from 'Wednesday starting at 4 p.m.' through the weekend. I have to admit, I've been doing a little bit of pre-break celebrating. Nothing too crazy, but also not doing much of anything. Now that I have free time, I don't know what to do with it! It's strange. I get so stressed sometimes with all my schoolwork and things I want to accomplish this year, always feeling like I should be practicing or be doing more...Now that I temporarily have it, I'm kind of in shock! I actually had to think back to what it was like when I wasn't in school and ask myself what I might have done. Monday night I went to Barnes & Noble and did a little wandering and reading. (Yes, reading!) I have to toss in a Tom Robbins plug-I'm not that far into "Even Cowgirls Get the Blues," but I already love it! I'm interested to see how the book unfolds. I've never read anything by him, but I've heard a lot of good things. I also found a little book of George Carlin-another genius! His humor and the way he picks out the littlest things in life and points out how ridiculous or funny (or both!) they are, I need more of that in my life! Within this past week, I've had some moments where I thought, "I miss laughing." Isn't that kind of sad? Did I used to laugh more? Am I too busy to laugh now? Needless to say, I think this break is much needed. Though I always feel like I could or should be doing more, I feel like I've been working hard and doing well for the most part. I think it's time to get out of town for a few days...

Home From the Road

Well, the roadtrip was an all-around success! We had a blast, we don't hate eachother/we're all still friends, we had a lot of great times, and even made it home safely! Of course there were a few roadblocks such as getting lost, minor disagreements, and a flat tire! (Givin' a shoutout to Perfection Tire in Idaho for being so good to us!) We made the most of what we had though. My most favorite part, other than getting to see the country with some of my best friends in the world, was seeing the redwood trees in the Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park in California. It was unbelievable how gigantic they are! It's hard to believe something so big is actually living. It's like looking up at skyscrapers but instead of something manmade, it's something in nature that has been there for over 1000 years! Everything is green there. If it isn't covered in leaves, it's probably covered with moss. It was like walking through a wonderland! Other highlights, it was great to watch the scenery change. We saw plains, mountains, forests, lakes, rivers, the Pacific Ocean. Even styles of architecture changed depending on the location. And, of course, the people! People watching was one of my favorite activities. It never gets old because people are so unique and interesting to me! We stayed in a few hotels but it felt like we did a lot more camping. It's such a different feeling being a nomad, rolling up your home every morning and traveling on to the next place. I didn't mind it. I can't wait to get some photos on here from my trip! Soon...

?

If I were to write about something, what is it that I would write about?
Would I write about the new book I started reading called "Ishmael"?
Would I write about how grey the skies have been? mostly cold and rainy...
Would I write about the roadtrip I will be going on?
Would I write about all the things I want to do before I leave on the roadtrip? before school starts again? before I die?
Would I write about music?
Would I write about work?
Would I write about an old friend coming back to visit? with her new motherly ways...
Would I write about a dream I had? (leaving dreamland with a melody in my mind)
Would I write about love?
Would I write about writing about something? like one thinks about thinking about things
...yes, it seems that I would...

Brief Catch-Up

Once again, it's been a long time since my last blog! To be honest, since summer hit for me, I kind of forgot that I even have a blog! It feels like a lot has happened in the last month or so! I survived finals...I actually found out today that I made the Honor Roll! 3.5 or higher baby! So I'm feelin' pretty good about that. The week after finals, I went on my first musical "retreat." I will tell you more in detail about that later...Other than that, I've been sharing my music with others, crocheting, and reading. A couple weeks ago I went on a statewide family tour with my boyfriend, another thing I will hopefully blog about later! The reason I am not doing it now is because I'm short on time and I drank a bunch of coffee so I have to go to the bathroom really bad! (TMI?) Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I am still alive and there will be more blogs to come!

The End is Near! The Beginning is Near!

Well, today is the last day/week of normal classes for me! Next week is finals week, then I am free as a bird! I can't believe how much I've accomplished this week! Well, this semester too! I don't want to get in woohoo-partytime mode quite yet, but the end is near! There is hope! Then begins summer break! I'm really looking forward to it! Especially since I get to kick it off by going on a musical retreat and recording some of my music! Soon, soon enough...

A Lesson Update...

Well, guess what? I got my test back today and I got a 98%! Not bad, uh? I guess I'm more smarter than I thought!

A Lesson Learned is A Lesson Learned...

So, life's been crazy lately! It is now less than a month until school is done for the semester! And you know what that means...woohoo party time? Not quite yet! It means me freaking out about all these assignments that I have to complete within the next couple weeks including those few things I should've been working on for the past month or two(oh, the life of a procrastinator!). Anyway, so in my frantic state yesterday, I was studying for a test I just got done taking a bit ago. By time I got to class this morning, I was feeling pretty good, thought I knew the materials, knew what I was going to write. So, I get the test and it said it was over chapters 4, 5, and 11. Well, I studied chapters 6 and 7-I somehow looked at the syllabus for a different class and drilled myself on the wrong chapters all along! Instead of throwing my arms up in a rage, screaming "Why!?! Why me? Why this!?!" and creating a scene and possibly scaring my classmates, I played it cool. I actually think I did pretty decent on the test, especially considering I didn't even read those chapters! Luckily, I'm a good listener in class and came to some conclusions through previous lectures. And after, I felt good about it. I did the best that I could, plus I learned some new things from the chapters I 'didn't have to read.' I also learned that I need to look at the right syllabus next time! A lesson learned is a lesson learned...

Worth writing about...me!

So I have another first to add to my list...the first time someone wrote a song about me! My newfound love went on a music retreat this past weekend. He spent 3 days by himself in a "little wooden box" as he calls it, others would call a cabin. He brought his instruments, recording equipment, and went to town! Well, not literally. He literally went out of town to do this to be away from all humans. Anyway, he recorded four new songs, one of which is about me! It is so beautiful, it made me cry! I'd tell you the lyrics, but you'll just have to hear it sometime! Also, for my birthday present (which is slightly early to talk about but he wanted me to be able to plan for it), he is renting a little cabin for me so I can create and record my own music!!! Exciting, huh?

I fear that it's been so long since I've written that people have stopped looking at my blog! Is this true? Give me some feedback. Well, I guess if it's true than I won't get feedback....yeah. Well, my life is somewhat the same old-same old with random crazy out-of-the-ordinary sprinkles on top. If your life was a flavor of ice cream, what flavor would it be?

randomness of the mind

Coffee has become
my life blood
Flying by the seat of my pants
I try to comprehend
everything offered to me
Sensory overload!
in the best way I think
I think a lot
Wandering around the
hallways of my mind
Always trying to find
what I'm looking for
Whether it be words, a thought,
a memory, or something I can't identify
They multiply randomly
Filling me to the rim
Trimming down my wants & needs
Needing to focus on the musts

I will hold my passions
above needless things

Yes!

I have to hold my passions
above needless things

Here I am
and there it is
The endless train of thought
Off the rails and upside down
Slow down, speed up
Life!

Few and Far Between

Wow, I can't believe it's been over a month since my last entry! Insane! And that's what it has been this last month or so. So much has happened, where to begin! Maybe I will just keep writing about writing something but not write anything that has any purpose or thought behind it other than thinking about writing about something. Kind of like the song that never ends. Who even likes that song? It's annoying because it doesn't ever end. Someone could go there whole entire life singing that song and never get to the bottom of it. But it's not like the chicken or the egg question because the song that never ends has a beginning. People never start that song in the middle. So there's a beginning, a middle, but no end! I'd say it's like a circle but a circle doesn't have a beginning...

And all that Jazz!

The Jazz Festival was a success! It was my first year as a college student being part of it. I actually played in it in high school but it was just in, on, and out. This year, however, consisted of an nine-hour day at the school helping set the stage every half-hour for the next band, directing, and drinking a lot of coffee! Then it was time to get ready for the big concert! The concert went really well. I was nervous on and off throughout the week, but once I got on stage, I felt pretty comfortable. I thought of how wonderful it was to share music with people. I thought of the people in the audience that loved me and were proud of me. I thought of how much I love music and all the hard work we put into those tunes. And when it was over, I wished that it wasn't...The next day was more of the same, high school bands playing every half-hour, but there were more clinics done by the guest artists. Since we all only had to work half of the day on Saturday, I was able to catch a few clinics. I think my favorite was the guest artist was the trumpet/jazz improv clinic. He had some good things to say about practicing, playing with history, different types of mouthpieces for different sounds. There was something that stood out to me though. He said that was was never the best, never won awards or things like that in high school or wherever, but that he just kept practicing. Now he is absolutely amazing! One of my favorite things about watching/listening to the guest artists play together is how much they respond to eachother! They are truly communicating through music. One person would play something, then someone else would mimic that or build on it or support it. What a great weekend!!!

Crunchtime to showtime!

Tonight was our last full rehearsal before our huge jazz festival concert! Two days, not even 48 hours at this point-MADNESS! The music department has become insane at this point. Along with our classes and homework, there have been extra rehearsals, hanging up giant banners, shuffling instruments, music stands, and other miscellaneous things from place to place, hanging up posters, getting ready for hundreds of middle and high school music kids to invade our school-it's a blast! Actually though, I'm really looking forward to this weekend. There are going to be some really great guest musicians from all over right here at my school! We even get to play a tune with one of them at our concert. This concert will be the biggest audience that I have ever played for in my life! That's a little nerve-wracking! But mostly, I'm looking forward to sharing music with people...through the madness there is joy.

Banksy

A friend of mine introduced me to this amazing artist named Banksy. I can't remember where he lives but he is a graffiti artist. First of all, I love graffiti. There is not only an element of risk involved (since it is usually illegal unless you have permission) but people that do it are so passionate about whatever it is that they want to say that they are willing to go to jail for the name of art. Granted, I'm sure some do it to 'mark their territory' or maybe are just looking for trouble. But others, like Banksy, have a message to get across. They have something to say and they want it to reach as many people as possible. They want to grab the attention of any passer-by and twist it and ring out any thoughts or feelings possible. They want to generate anger-not necessarily the bad kind-the kind that makes people want to do something. The kind that makes them want to fight for a change. The kind that ends wars. The kind that causes people to dig deep and figure out what they are made of. The kind that makes them want to do something!!! ...So yeah, I love graffiti.

Car Fiasco

Tuesday night got pretty 'ugly' outside. It was artic conditions-freezing cold, windy, and snowy. I was okay with just staying home for once, doing some homework, and drinking some hot tea. I was planning on trying to get to school a little early so I could at least run through some warm-ups on my trumpet before my 8am class (crazy, I know). So I wake up the next morning and go out to start my car and guess what? Yup, it wouldn't start. I called a couple people and found someone that was willing to crawl out of bed and attempt to help me. We tried jumping my car but that didn't work. Since I know nothing about cars, I knew I could do nothing. My car was also parked in a 90-minute zone which didn't help with the stress level of the situation, but I knew I had to get to school because I had a quiz in my first class and a jam-packed rest of the day. So we start driving and what do I do? Spill coffee on my pants! Since I don't like the feeling of just wetting my pants, I had my friend take me back to my apartment to change. I finally get to class to catch the last few minutes. The rest of the day was crazy too, my fullest day of classes, not to mention a make-up trumpet lesson and a jazz sectional in my only free hour. Four o'clock finally rolled around when my class finally ended, then I got a call that my grandparents were in town. So, I caught a ride into town and had dinner with my parents, grandparents, and two aunts. It's always great to see them! Especially when not expected. :) After dinner, back out to school for jazz band. By time that was over, I felt completely exhausted. It was one of those days I knew I was going to have eventually, where you feel like life's spiraling out of control and you're flying threw space with nothing to grab onto. I tried to do some homework while I waited for a ride but I couldn't really focus. I finally made it home a couple hours later and didn't even know what to do with myself! I felt like a mess. Then, guess what happened? My wonderful neighbor had the perfect remedy-wine! I even had a thought while I was at school that I could use a glass of wine. Not a bottle, not 'drink 'till you can't feel feelings anymore,' just one glass! And that's just what I did, had a glass of wine and relaxed with a couple friends. Even though I "should've" been doing homework or "should've" been sleeping, I feel like that time was more needed than anything, especially the friends. :) Thursday, though I was a bit tired, I felt reenergized and refreshed, a complete turnaround. Thank you friends (and wine!)!

Back To School!

Well, I now have over a full week of school under my belt! (We started on Wednesday last week.) It has been good so far. I am still eager to just get in the rhythm of what my schedule will be like. Since it is still the first week or two, we haven't gotten too in depth with anything yet, but I have been learning which is always exciting. :) I guess no matter where you are, you can always be learning...One thing I'm coming to realize is that I need to learn to be a morning person! Coffee definitely aids me in this process but I know I can't fully rely on that. I actually haven't been going out much at all during the week but it's still very hard for me to get to sleep before midnight! I'm a night person!! I just need to capture how I felt on the first day of school. I was so excited that when I woke up, I started jumping on my(pull-out) bed (which was probably not safe!), saying, "I get to go to school today! I get to go to school today!"

Music Because

Here's a little blurp of what I wrote in my music journal last night before my first day of the rest of my life!


I want MUSIC! I need it! I need to do this-
because I love it
because of how alive it makes me feel
because of the people it has brought into my life
because it makes me want to keep getting better
because if I had to live a day without it, I think I would die
because it enables me to express any, every & even possible feeling or emotion I may or may not have
because of the journey it has led me on already
because I want to keep going where it takes me
because it is me
because it makes me feel strong even when I feel weak
because it makes me feel (it encourages it!)
because it makes me notice things-minuet details in life that create its own masterpiece
because my heartbeat is a beat and as long as I am alive, I will be music

Three-Week Sobriety Brings Good Things

So, I realized a few years ago that I actually do like alcohol! I never did much experimenting with it growing up other than a little taste-testing at family functions. I guess I just wasn't interested in it. Then, like so many, I went to college, tried it, and realized that it was fun! So I've been having a lot of "fun" since then, some may say too much. I'm not saying I'm an alcoholic but I have noticed that it was becoming maybe a bigger part in my life than I wanted it to be. Social activities seem to revolve around drinking. It's a reason to get together, if I want to see live music, it's usually in a bar, and after a long night of dealing with demanding customers, it's nice to sit down and have a free beer...So what happens when I take the drinking out of my life? Well, I did just that for three weeks. I did it partially to help a friend that also gave it up (it's easier to do when you have moral support!), but I mostly did it to prove things to myself. As a friend of mine said, "It's all mental." It's a habit-the need to have a glass in your hand when at a bar or even just the physical act of drinking something, it's kind of natural. That's what people do when you "go out." It was an interesting experiment to do to myself. I still did my usual routine for the most part, went for beer(but didn't drink it) and live music on Tuesdays to see friends and relax. It was very hard to not drink there. The first week it almost made me crabby or uncomfortable, but I did everything else I normally did there and I still had a good time. It wasn't like going to a party before I was twenty-one and wanted to drink because secretly I wanted to fit in and be more social. Now it was a choice not to do it. And know what's interesting? I kind of got a buzz or high from not doing it in those situations because it was a different feeling I wasn't used to, much like when you first start drinking in those situations and you feel different. Some really great life-changing things happened in that three week period too. The biggest thing I can think of is I started to bring my trumpet to jams! I have some friends that get together and play music. Most of it is just improv, making it up on the spot, starting with a key, a progression, and just seeing what happens, and music is created! A lot of which will never be heard ever again because it was just "in the moment." I'm still fascinated by it, the connection that people have through music. So yeah, I started playing my trumpet sometimes when we'd jam. I wasn't even kinda drunk and thought "Well, if this doesn't go well, I can just blame it on that I have been drinking." Nope, I went in and thought, "This is me and this is what I want to say through my trumpet or try to say or try to find what I want to try to say!" And it was amazing! I'm not saying that it was a flawless performance, because it definitely wasn't, but I did it! I overcame my expectations for myself and I actaully tried it. You have to start somewhere, right? Before we went in, my boyfriend told me that they need to hear those mistakes and that I needed to at least try. I was comforting to know that mistakes are okay. Are mistakes even mistakes? Wow, I could really go off on a tangent (like I already have!). Basically, it comes back to that I learned a lot about myself in those few weeks. I learned that I don't need alcohol to 'have fun' or 'fit in' or even just to unwind, there are a million other ways to do that. I don't need it to blame my mistakes on, I can claim those. I don't need it to be brave and step out of my comfort zone, that's a high in itself. All I need is me, as cheesy as that sounds. So, am I never going to drink again? Of course I will drink again silly! But I know now that I can make it without it. I can do anything if I just set my mind to it.

Christmas Catch-up

Well, as usual, I am behind again in my blogging! I really haven't been near a computer much in the past couple weeks so I'm just going to say that's my excuse. Anyway, Christmas was interesting this year. Like with most things, there were good parts and bad, but I'm going to focus on the good. It was wonderful to see all the family again. Christmas Eve we made it to my mom's side of the family (unlike Thanksgiving!). Something different about this year is I did something I don't think I've done for my family-played trumpet for them! My boyfriend brought his saxophone, I brought my trumpet and keyboard and we played Christmas songs Christmas Eve and Christmas Day for my family. I have to say, it was one of the coolest experiences. It's amazing when you step out of your comfort box, the things you learn. I learned about my aunts and uncles playing random instruments when they were growing up and how music has been a part of their lives. I played a duet with my aunt Jan, which was a duet she taught me before I even started taking piano lessons. It very well could have been the first song I ever learned. So that was awesome playing with her. I taught her and my mom the song I wrote for my Art Venture kids. Also, one of my favorite memories from Christmas was when I was taking a break from playing and my grandpa on my dad's side started dinking around on the piano. I never knew he even had an interest in piano! He looked so happy too, ten years younger, I couldn't believe it. I thought about giving him my keyboard right then and there. Music brings so much joy! I love it! Oh, I also was lent an accordian! Being the dork I am, I think it would be a really cool instrument to learn and my aunt had one that they weren't using so she let me take it for a while. Another big highlight was a gift I got. It was from my cousin, Grace. At Thanksgiving, my aunt and I taught her how to crochet. We started her out making a scarf since straight things are easier to learn. There were times she was driven mad by it (as most of us are when we learn) but she kept going. So guess what she gave me for Christmas? The first scarf she ever made! Just looking at it, you could see the progress she made from the beginning to end, it was so wonderful to see. I got other nice gifts too-a crockpot (that was actually on my list, I'm getting old!), socks, a beautiful photo album from my sister and new husband containing photos from their wedding. I also got a melodica from my boyfriend. It is basically a little keyboard with a hose attached that you blow into to make sound. It's so fun! Plus, nothin' lke a portable piano! So all and all, I had a pretty good Christmas. I got everything and more than I could have hoped for-to be with the ones I love.